i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?