I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus