Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
