I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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