she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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