I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
