If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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