i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
