My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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