I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
