i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Randomize
