I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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