OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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