I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Randomize
