My Higher Power is John Stamos
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
