My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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