There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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