a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
