Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
