um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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