just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
organizing the empties. That sober.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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