My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
