just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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