I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
