You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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