I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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