Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
