the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
