Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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