you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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