he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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