***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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