Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
