Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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