I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
