How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
