I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
