Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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