I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
