I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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