The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
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Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
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Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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