Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
