I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
