Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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