i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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