Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Text me some of your sweat
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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