its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
