i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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