Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
