Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
