Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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