Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
