so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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