Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my sisters under your porch take her home
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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