Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
