I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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