You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
