Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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